Why Being Low-Maintenance Is Killing Your Marriage🫣

I used to wear the title of low-maintenance wife like a badge of honor. I was SO easygoing. "Whatever you want!" "I'm game!" "You pick!" Look at me being all chill and undemanding. Gold star for me⭐

Except… I wasn't always good.

I had preferences. Opinions. Desires. I'd just convinced myself that being lovable meant not needing much.

Somewhere along the way, I'd become an expert at knowing what everybody else wanted. I knew how my husband liked his coffee, which kid wouldn't eat anything green, and exactly which relatives couldn't sit together at Thanksgiving.

But ask me what I wanted for dinner? "Oh, whatever's clever!"

I have approximately 47,000 opinions about everyone else's life, but when it comes to me? Nada. Where did I go?

The Resentment Rash

Here's where it gets sneaky, because I actually AM pretty adventurous. My husband, Kev, says, "Want to go explore?" and I'm usually the first one grabbing snacks and hiking boots.

Except maybe that day, what I REALLY want is to take the kids to the hot springs with a grip of mom friends and float around like a happy little starfish. Kids running wild, everybody happy, and me doing absolutely nothing productive. Delicious.

But do I say that? Nope.

Instead, I'm bouncing around in the passenger seat of our '97 Tacoma, truck-hiking up some mountain road. And when I say road, I'm being generous 🫣

Forty-five minutes later, I've developed a full-blown resentment rash, thinking, Why are we ALWAYS doing what HE wants?!

Ohhhhh. Busted.

HE didn't erase my desire. I did.

And now I'm not enjoying the adventure OR the man I love. I'm a grumpfest of my own making, silently building a courtroom case against a guy who thought we were having a perfectly lovely afternoon. All because I wanted to be easygoing.

How Can He Hit a Target I Won't Show Him?

Laura Doyle teaches about igniting our husbands' hero gene — that desire to contribute to our happiness. And believe me, Kev peacocks when I'm smiling!

But how can he please a woman who won't give him any information about what pleases her?

I wanted him to read my mind while I was busy convincing him I didn't have a preference. If I have to tell him what I want, it doesn't count.

Oof. Except I was hiding the answer key!

Here's what changed everything for me: A desire isn't a demand. It's simply a want.

"I would love to go to the hot springs today."

That's it. No instructions. No expectations. No running tally of all the times we've done what HE wanted.

Expressing my desires isn't telling Kev what to do. It's letting him see who I am. And whether he makes it happen or not, I've honored myself instead of abandoning what I wanted and blaming him later.

Girl, Where Did You Go?

But this goes beyond marriage. When we get really good at accommodating everyone else, we can slowly lose touch with the things that make us feel like ourselves.

We skip the dance class because we'd have to go alone. Don't book the concert tickets. Talk ourselves out of wearing that fabulous dress. Forget to call the girlfriend we've been missing. We don't even turn on the music WE like because somebody else is already watching TV.

Tiny thing. Tiny thing. Tiny thing.

Until somebody asks, "What do you like to do for fun?" and suddenly we're drawing a blank.

When I stop knowing what I want, I don't just make it harder for my husband to please me. I start disappearing from my own life.

And THAT is why desires matter. They're not just information for our husbands. They're information for US.

Let's Go on a Desire Treasure Hunt

Maybe you're thinking, "Great, Steph. I still have no idea what I want."

You're not alone! Get curious about what sounds fun, exciting, beautiful, or delicious. Pay attention to your complaints, resentments, and all those little things you've been talking yourself out of wanting. And start a list of desires🔥

Ex: I never wear my engagement ring, it's not ME. I can flip the complaint and find my desire: I would LOVE a classic solitaire ring. Diamond? Sapphire? Aquamarine? Still exploring!

Immediately my brain pipes up: Steph, you're too rough and tumble for that. Ski gloves! Rafting! Mountain biking!

Thank you, Logistics Department. Nobody asked you 😂

I don't need to know which stone, when I'd wear it, or how it would happen. I just get to want that beautiful, delicate, feminine ring.

Because a desire isn't a contract. It's information. It's another little clue about what lights us up.

So grab a piece of paper and start writing. Big desires, tiny desires, completely impractical desires. No editing, no figuring out HOW, and absolutely no consulting the Logistics Department.

Sometimes our husbands delight us. Sometimes we delight ourselves. Sometimes the desire changes entirely.

But first, we have to let ourselves want.

Because underneath all that responsibility, practicality, and "I'm good with anything"…

There's still a woman in there who wants things.

Let's go find her 💕

Curious about Relationship Coaching? Let's Chat✨

Start Here