What Do You REALLY Want… Before You Talk Yourself Out of It?
I want to talk about that tiny little space between:
“I would LOVE…”
and…
“Yeah… BUT…” 😂
Because I think we’re actually pretty good at having desires. We’re also REALLY good at immediately talking ourselves out of them.
“I’d love to paint the house… but it’s expensive.”
“I’d love to take the kids to Great Wolf Lodge… but he hates the city.”
“I’d love a night completely to myself… but that's selfish."
“I’d love Mexican tonight… but everyone else probably wants pizza.”
Look how FAST we can go from desire to logistics committee 🙄
Sometimes we don’t even make it that far. We look around at what everyone else wants, what everyone needs, what’s practical, what he’ll probably say, what we can afford, what’s reasonable…
And somewhere in there, we forget to ask: What do I want? Maybe the problem isn’t that we don’t have desires. Maybe we’ve just gotten really, really good at “Yeah… BUT-ing” them before they ever have a chance to breathe.
Here are 8 ways we get in our own way~
1. We’re afraid of hearing NO
If I don’t say what I want, I can’t be rejected. Totally understandable. But there’s a catch: Nobody gets the opportunity to say YES either. Nobody gets the inside scoop on what would knock your socks off—or simply help you exhale. And that hero gene? It doesn’t even get a chance to ignite.
Sometimes we protect ourselves from disappointment so well, we protect ourselves from being delighted too.
2. We don’t want to be “too much”
Too needy. Too expensive. Too demanding. Too high-maintenance. Too inconvenient. So before anyone else can tell us our desire is too much, we make it smaller ourselves.
What if wanting something doesn’t make you “too much”? It just means you want something 💫
3. We answer for everyone else
“He’ll never want to.”
“She’s too tired.”
“My family doesn’t like that kind of thing.”
“They'll say I'm ridiculous.”
HOLD UP
Did THEY say no?
Or did we just conduct an entire conversation with someone who wasn’t even in the room? 😂 When I answer for someone else, I’m no longer on my paper. I don’t actually know what they’ll say. I only know what I would love. And that’s enough information for now.
4. We turn desires into demands
There’s a BIG difference between: “I would love to go away with you this weekend.”
And the invisible: “…and now you need to make that happen or I’m going to be disappointed.”
A desire leaves room for freedom. I can tell you what would delight me without making you responsible for my happiness💥 I can want something deeply and still leave room for you to want something different.
My desires don’t make me demanding. My demands make me demanding 😂
5. We put our desires on trial
“Is this reasonable?”
“Do I really need it?”
“Can I justify spending that?”
“Is this important enough?”
Ladies, sometimes you don’t need a PowerPoint presentation explaining why you’d like a new pair of boots!
You can just want the boots. Desire doesn’t require a defense attorney.
6. We get PRACTICAL way too fast
“I’d love to go to Italy.”
HOW MUCH ARE FLIGHTS?
WHAT MONTH?
WHO WILL WATCH THE DOGS AND CHICKENS?
WOULD THE KIDS COME?
DOES MY PASSPORT EXPIRE?
Ma’am. We haven’t even left the kitchen 😂
Can Italy exist as a desire for five minutes before we start figuring out HOW? There may absolutely be logistics later. But my job in the beginning isn’t figuring out HOW. It’s noticing that little spark that says: I’d love that... and letting it percolate.
7. We keep score
“I already asked for something.”
“He did something nice for me yesterday.”
“We just spent money on me.”
Almost like we have a monthly desire allowance 🤦♀️ Receiving something yesterday doesn’t disqualify you from wanting something today. You don’t have to rack up enough points or wait your turn. A desire isn’t something you earn 🫶
8. We ask the wrong question
Instead of: “What do I want?”
We’ve gotten REALLY good at asking: “What does everybody need from me?”
When you’ve spent years scanning the room for everyone else’s needs, your own desires can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean you don’t have them. Maybe you’re just out of practice hearing them.
A DESIRE IS INFORMATION. IT IS NOT AN ASSIGNMENT.
You don’t have to deserve your desires first. You don’t have to be productive enough, grateful enough, or have given enough to everyone else before you’re allowed to want something. And whether or not a desire is fulfilled is not a report card on you. A YES doesn’t mean you were worthy. A NO doesn’t mean you weren’t.
Sometimes a desire happens. Sometimes it changes. Sometimes it leads somewhere completely unexpected. Sometimes it simply teaches you something about yourself.
Your desire might be hiding in plain sight
Sometimes it’s hiding underneath a complaint.
“We never go anywhere anymore.”
Okayyyy…
What do you WANT?
“I’d love a weekend away.”
There she is 👑
Sometimes it’s hiding underneath control.
“You need to take me on dates more.”
Okay…What do you WANT?
“I’d love to go out for sushi Saturday night.”
Ahhhh. Much lighter 👑
And sometimes it’s hiding underneath our favorite little disappearing act:
“Whatever you want is fine.”
But what if it’s NOT all the same to you?
“I’d love Mexican tonight.”
There you are 👑
Thoughts to Chew On✨
Can my desire exist before I figure out the logistics?
Am I expressing my desire… or secretly attaching an expectation to it?
Did he actually say no—or am I answering for him?
Am I asking what I want, or only what everyone else needs?
Can I want this without needing to justify it?
A “no” doesn’t make my desire wrong.
I don’t have to know HOW before I’m allowed to know WHAT.
I don’t need permission to know what I want.
Your desires don’t need to become another self-improvement project. They’re part of your self-FULFILLMENT project.
Less: How do I become the woman I’m supposed to be?
More: Who am I? What lights me up? What would delight me? What do I want MORE of?
Now THAT sounds like a fun woman to get to know 🔥
Still “Yeah… BUT-ing” your way out of what you want?
Let’s talk about it. Grab a Clarity Call with me and let’s see
if coaching could be a fit for you.
